Funny, Weird and Lame Voice Messages

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How we wonder who you are.
Leave a message at the beep.
We'll call back before you sleep.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
Betcha you're wondering where we are.

You have reached ###-####. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to, remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now or carving up a steak for the pit bull and the rottweiller, and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave a message.

Hello, you've reached Paul and Molly. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Molly likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . really slowly. So leave a message; and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you. LOL